


Fool's Paradise

by Marmoniel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Remus Lupin has Psychosis, Schizoaffective Disorder, Wolfstar in the future
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-12 04:40:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18439229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marmoniel/pseuds/Marmoniel
Summary: Something's wrong with Remus Lupin. Things have been strange for him lately. He's been paranoid, delusional, and seeing things. Can he survive the ever constant blood politics at Hogwarts, his monthly furry little problem, and his increasingly intense relationships with his friends while having schizoaffective disorder?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my Camp NaNoWriMo project, but I intend to carry on with it at the end of the month.
> 
> Yes, I have another project by the same name, with a similar premise (except non-magical AU), and while I will be continuing the other one, this one is my priority right now.
> 
> Enjoy!

Nowhere was safe.

His hand was planted firmly on his wand, even though he couldn’t use it, and his eyes were darting around, trying to find anyone suspicious.

“Books finally,” Remus’ father said, not looking down at his son beside him.

Remus made an affirmative noise, but kept his eyes peeled as they veered off towards Flourish and Blott’s. Beside him, his mother was so distracted by all the magic around them that she didn’t seem to notice her son’s strange behaviour.

As they entered the shop, Remus breathed in the rich smell of the bookstore deeply, taking a moment to revel in it. His mind stuttered a bit, as it tried to combine the feeling of insecurity with the familiar comforting smell of being surrounded by books.

He took a moment to ponder the lack of safety he’s feeling at that very moment. For a couple of months now, basically since right after he left his second year at Hogwarts, Remus had moments of feeling unsafe, like everyone was trying to hurt him, his food contained poison and his parents were trying to kill him, or other unbelievable thoughts. Of course, at the time of thinking them, they seem so believable, and Remus can’t believe he’s never seen it before. But when the thoughts have faded away, he has no idea how he ever could have believed what he did.

Other symptoms of whatever is going on with him is seeing, hearing, smelling, and feeling things that no one else can, like shadows flitting across his vision, seeing blood and injuries when he feels fine, and other equally terrifying things.

At other times, he’d felt so on top of the world that he could do anything. At those times, he’d powered through his homework, cleaned the whole house without using magic, and done things that could have ended very badly, such as snuck out of his window, and walked around town in the middle of the night. Which looking back, Remus was surprised that he hadn’t been kidnapped, harassed, or worse.

Remus just wished he knew what was happening to him, and more importantly, how to make it stop. He just wanted to be normal again — not that normal means much to a wizard who also happens to be a bloody werewolf.

He’d been hoping to find a book on whatever is happening to him at Flourish and Blott’s, as every year he’s allowed to buy two non-school books on top of the books listed on his supply list.

After rounding up all the necessary school books, Remus was set loose on the bookshop to go find his two extra books. While his dad would usually not be happy at waiting while Remus went searching for an extended period of time, Lyall Lupin was also in his element as a former Ravenclaw, and they always left Flourish and Blott’s for books for him as well as his son. And even though Hope Lupin was a muggle, she still had interest in the Wizarding World, and would pick out a book as well.

Remus didn’t go straight to the health section of the shop, as the people he could feel watching him like a physical weight on his back would be suspicious at his sudden interest in health. Instead, he meandered from the school section, to the charms, then finally lightly browsed through the runes section before casually finding himself at the health section.

It was separated into small sections, with all different sections on healing in it, including a section on healing jinxes and hexes, a section on healing curses, sections on healing general injuries, Dark Arts, muggle illnesses, and many more maladies mentioned.

Looking around for any mentions of mental health (because Remus was sure he was going crazy), it quickly became apparent that there was nothing. No books on mental health or mind healing, no mentions of mental illness, nothing.

Looking around to see where his parents were, and seeing that they were both occupied at the other end of the store from him, Remus went up to a staff member who was stocking a shelf near him.

“Excuse me, sir?” He asked, trying not to think about how this man was trying to hurt him. He was not thinking about it, he was not thinking about how vulnerable he was without use of his wand, he wasn’t, he wasn’t—

“Yes? How can I help you?” The staff member said.

“Do you have any books on mind healing?” Remus said.

“Hmm, let me check. Follow me,” The man said, and led Remus back over the health section.

He dragged his fingers across a few titles, as his eyes swept the shelf in front of him, and Remus watched anxiously.

Finally, after an excruciating minute or so, he turned back to Remus.

“It looks like we don’t have any in stock at the moment. Would you like to be sent an owl when we get some in?” The man said.

Remus noticed his parents had begun to look as though they were searching him out, so he stuttered out a negative answer as well as a thank you, before ducking over to the defence against the dark arts section, and skimming his eyes over a few books and picking out two that looked vaguely interesting.

He poked his head above the stacks, and quickly his parents found their way to him.

“All done, dear?” Hope said, and peered at the books in his hands.

Remus also looked down and saw that he’d grabbed ‘A Practical Guide to Self Defence: 101 Ways to Dodge that Curse’ and ‘Occupational Occlumency: A Guide to Organising the Mind’.

Not bad for a last minute effort, Remus thought to himself. Could have been a lot worse. His dad would have lost it if Remus had come back with any books even mentioning the word werewolf in the title. Remus was glad even his broken mind had turned out to sensible enough to know not to do that.

As a family, they went up to the counter and placed their purchases, and paid. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw his dad having to reach into the very corners of his coin pouch to pull out enough money, and Remus felt a pulse of guilt go through him. After all, him being a werewolf was the reason that they had as little money as they did. His parents were always trying potential cures for lycanthropy, long after Remus had resigned himself to the fact that there was never going to be a cure.

Hope frowned down at Remus as though she could tell what he was thinking. Wait… she probably could. Could people read his mind? Everyone could definitely read his mind. It was absolutely though eye contact, so he’d have to be really careful to not look anyone in the eye. He had no idea how he hadn’t realised until that point. People must have been reading his mind all his life, and not saying anything to him to keep him ignorant.

Lyall shrunk the package of books off the counter, and they all went back to the Leaky Cauldron to head back home.

Remus waited as his father apparated his mother home, and then came back for him. Their house wasn’t connected to the floo, due to having to move whenever anyone got suspicious of Remus’ frequent sicknesses and scars, often mistaking his lycanthropy for child abuse.

As Remus places his scarred hand on his father’s arm and Remus’ sleeve slips down, he could swear he felt his father flinch, but when he looks back at his father, his face is blank and his arm is steady.

Remus very carefully does not look anyone in the eye for the rest of the day.

  
The next day, Hope asks her son if he wouldn’t mind accompanying her into town. Remus agrees on the condition that they can go to the bookstore.

“You just bought books yesterday, so there will be no more book buying today, okay? Browsing only, Remus.” She says, and Remus fervently nods. He does duck upstairs to squirrel a muggle notepad and pen in his pocket for writing down any information he might find on whatever’s happening to him, as well as the collection of muggle money he’s been saving for years from pocket money he’s been given and from odd jobs he’s done.

Remus is no longer feeling as though people can read his mind or that people are trying to hurt him, but he is seeing vaguely person shaped shadows moving in and out of his vision, floating slightly above the ground, making him jump every time they do, as they remind him of the pictures of Dementors he’s seen in his defence textbook. They’re just as horrifying as the first time he saw them, but after a few hours he finds he can sort of take no more notice of them than he would a random person. It doesn’t take him very long to become desensitised to them, until at least they move particularly close and he flinches and he swears he should feel their cold touch against his skin.

Remus and his mother go to the store to pick up groceries, and after a few minutes of Remus fidgeting and getting in the way of the shopping cart, Hope sighs and send him off to the bookstore, to be picked up after she’s finished.

A slightly giddy from getting out of shopping Remus walks briskly to the bookstore, and heads to the health section, glad he doesn’t have to hide what section he’s in in the not so large book shop from his mother. Still though, he better make it quick for when his mother is finished with the shopping.

At the health section, he finds a few books on medicine, a large number of self-help books, books on exercise (mostly yoga) and a small section on mental health books.

Looking through, most of it seems to be books about anxiety or depression, which Remus skims through quickly, but they don’t seem to be what he’s looking for. Though he feels anxious a lot, that doesn’t explain the rest of what’s happening to him.

There’s a book on ADHD, a book on eating disorders, and a book on schizophrenia and the schizophrenia spectrum. The ADHD book doesn’t apply, nor does the eating disorder one, but the schizophrenia one explains a lot.

It talks about how schizophrenia is a mental disorder characterised by negative and positive symptoms, where negative symptoms are things being changed or taken away like cognitive function, and disorganised speech or thoughts, and positive symptoms being a general disconnect from reality with ‘hallucinations’, ‘delusions’, and ‘paranoia’ being the main parts of it.

The definition of a hallucination is an experience involving the perception of something not present, which would definition explain the Dementors he’s seeing (speaking of, one is floating menacingly in the corner of his vision, and now that he’s paying attention to it, it’s started to float closer. Remus holds the book up between his face and it, and hopes that if he can’t see it, it won’t be able to hurt him. Even though there’s been no evidence that it even could.)

The definition of a delusion takes his mind a little longer to wrap itself around, but once again explains perfectly what he’s been experiencing. A delusion is a belief or impression maintained despite being contracted by reality or ration argument.

Remus is so relieved by knowing that what he’s feeling has an actual explanation, that his knees actually buckle and he finds himself on the ground all of a sudden. He sets the book on the ground next to him, and buries his face in his hands for a few moments as he composes himself.

When he feels steady enough, he stands back up and skims through the rest of the book, mindful of his dwindling time. He scans through the table of contents, figuring that’s a good as place as any to start after reading the introduction.

Part I: Understanding Schizophrenia  
Chapter 1: Understanding Schizophrenia: The Big Picture  
Chapter 2: Causes and Risk Factors  
Chapter 3: Suspecting Schizophrenia

Part II: Finding Out What’s Wrong and Getting Help  
Chapter 4: Getting a Diagnosis  
Chapter 5: Assembling a Healthcare Team  
Chapter 6: Beginning Treatment  
Chapter 7: Paying for Your Loved One’s Care

Part III: Treating Schizophrenia  
Chapter 8: Medication and Other Medical Approaches  
Chapter 9: Psychosocial Approaches  
Chapter 10: Finding Help and Hope through Research

Part IV: Living with Schizophrenia  
Chapter 11: Schizophrenia and the Family  
Chapter 12: Developing Coping Skills  
Chapter 13: Housing Choices: Figuring Out Where to Live  
Chapter 14: Coping with Crises  
Chapter 15: People Are More Than Patients: Addressing the Needs of the Whole Person

Part V: The Part of Tens  
Chapter 16: Ten Myths About Schizophrenia You Can Forget  
Chapter 17: Ten Tips for Helping Families and Friends Cope and COme Out on Top  
Chapter 18: Ten Ways to Avoid Relapse

Appendix: Resources

Index

  
Remus looked at the price on the back, it was only £1.50, and Remus had just enough for it.

He took the book up to the counter, and ignored the slightly pitying look the old lady at the counter was giving him.

“Excuse me, ma’am, do you do gift wrapping here?” Remus asked, inspiration striking him.

“Yes, we do. Would you like me to gift-wrap this one for you?” The lady at the counter asked.

“Yes please. Does it cost any extra?” Remus said, bringing out the money he had and counting it in his hand making sure he had enough for any additional costs.

The old lady looked down at him kindly and shook her head.

“No extra charge, young man.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” Remus said, after she had wrapped it in nice blue wrapping paper.

And just as he turned to the door, he saw his mother walk up with several shopping bags in her hands. When she saw the wrapped book in Remus’ hands she raised an eyebrow.

“It’s a present for Sirius,” Remus explained as he got out to her before she could say anything. “It’s his birthday soon.”

He wasn’t really lying, it sort of was. In two months time. But at the very least, Remus already knew what he was giving Sirius. He was giving him two weeks of doing his Defence and homework, as that was Remus’ best subject, and Sirius hated doing homework because that time away from being a general nuisance. Not that he’d be telling his mother his plans of cheating.

“I did say no more buying books,” Hope said. “But I guess you did pay for it yourself, and of course, it’s a present, so I’ll let it go.”

Hope’s expression softened out, and Remus marvelled at how beautiful his mother was when she didn’t have her usual lines of tension wrinkling her forehead.

 

Finally, September first was there, and Remus seemed to be the first of his friends to Platform 9 and 3/4 and the Hogwarts Express. His mother had forced Remus out of the house an hour and a half before he was supposed to be at the Platform, as Remus was generally late to everything, so when he was forced out of the house at such an early hour, he wasn’t happy.

To add to his unhappiness, people could read Remus’ thoughts again when he made eye contact, so he was going to have to avoid eye contact with his friends the whole trip, which was bound to make it horribly awkward. He was extra motivated to not let his friends read his mind because he didn’t want them to know that he was crazy.

Remus had read more of his book about schizophrenia since he got it, but he had noticed that it didn’t explain everything he had been experiencing. However, in chapter 4, Getting a Diagnosis, there was a section on other related disorders, and though it was short, the passage on schizoaffective disorder seemed to fit what Remus had been experiencing.

Schizoaffective disorder was similar to schizophrenia, in that many of the symptoms overlap, and differentiating the two is apparently difficult. However, the big difference is that in schizoaffective disorder, there’s been an uninterrupted period of illness that meets the criteria for a mood disorder (characterised by major depression, mania, or a mixture of the two). This is in addition to, and concurrent with, the symptoms of schizophrenia (such as delusions and hallucinations).

The book also said there was an increased risk for suicide in people with schizoaffective disorder, due to it’s association with profound depression. Remus didn’t feel like he was going to kill himself. Well, okay, maybe when he was feeling very paranoid, or when he was feeling really bad, he’d thought of it, but he wouldn’t actually do anything!

Though, who would miss him if he did kill himself, really. He was just a nobody who was a burden on everyone around him. No one would miss him, least of all his friends who would probably just be glad that he was gone.

As though his thoughts had summoned him, Sirius Black burst into the compartment, dragging his trunk behind him, and flinging the door open dramatically. Sirius was his usual handsome self, with shoulder length black hair, calm grey eyes, and a mischievous smile on his sharp face, but with the notable exception of dark bags under his eyes and an air of falseness to his smile.

“Remus, my dearest and nearest friend!” Sirius said.

“Hi Sirius,” Remus said, snapped out his thoughts, and not even remembering what he was thinking about. “How was your summer?”

“Well, Remus John Lupin, I spent all summer inside and it was miserable. I wasn’t even allowed to go flying!” Sirius said, and he tilted his head to try to meet Remus’ eye, who was studiously avoiding eye contact with him. Not even looking at the other boy’s face really, for fear of meeting his eyes accidentally.

“Not allowed to fly?” Remus said.

“My mother being her usual horrible self!” Sirius declared, and seemed to give up on making eye contact with Remus for the time being, and instead started trying to shove his trunk in the rack above their heads. “Give me a hand with this, will you?”

Remus obediently helped Sirius put his trunk up there with help from his extra werewolf strength.

“Now little baby Reggie’s starting this year, but my parents made him sit with the Slimy Slytherins, so we have to go rescue him when James and Pete get here, otherwise we’ll be hopelessly outnumbered.” Sirius said, with a somehow elegant flop onto the seat opposite where Remus had been sitting. Sirius paused for a moment. “Remus—”

Not a second late, James Potter flung open the compartment door in a manner very reminiscent of Sirius’ minutes earlier entry.

“Hello Lads! Good summers then? Sirius, mate, you didn’t write me back at all!” James said, his smooth voice filling the compartment, and leaving no room for Remus all of a sudden.

Whenever Sirius and James were together, it felt like there was simply no space for Remus to occupy. So he and Peter were left trailing behind, like ducklings.

“Sorry James, I maybe pulled a few pranks which meant I wasn’t allowed any mail,” Sirius said.

“That’s just cruel! No mail?” James said, outraged.

Sirius shrugged.

“Also, we have to go rescue my little brother from the snakes when Pete gets here,” He said, trying and failing to look casual while speaking.

“Ooh, I smell an opportunity to hex Snivellus!” James said, and Remus felt uncomfortable.

Remus had never been happy with the way that they targeted Snape just for daring to be friends with Lily, but was too nervous to speak up in case his friends dropped him for saying anything.

Though, Snape did give back as much as he got, and had sicced older Slytherins on them once or twice, ending up with a fuming Sirius, and an injured Peter and James. Remus had been lucky enough to put up a strong shield just before getting hit with an unknown spell.

But still, Remus was uncomfortable at the… not bullying… just, antagonising of Snape.

Remus tuned back into the conversation James and Sirius were exchanging stories of pranks they’d executed over the holidays. He sat there for a few more minutes as they talked, perhaps regretting not pulling off any pranks, but not being able to imagine having pranked his father. He would not be happy, but his mother would enjoy it, with her strange and slightly whimsical sense of humour. She was where Remus had gotten his mischievous side from, after all.

Just as the train was about to pull out of the station, Peter entered the cabin, puffing.

“Alright, Pete?” James said, jumping up to help the other boy with his trunk.

“I left my trunk at home so we had to go back for it,” Peter said, after a few moments of gaining back his breath.

Sirius shared a commiserating look with James.

“Okay, time to go rescue Reggie!” Sirius said, jumping to his feet. “Wands out lads! Look alive!”

“Righto, let’s go save the poor bugger from the horrible Slytherins!” James said, getting up just as enthusiastically as Sirius had.

“We’re doing what?” Peter said, but was quickly pushed out the compartment door without explanation. “Hold on, what if someone steals our compartment?”

James and Sirius both seemed to actually pause in their fervour to go hex some Slytherins, and think about that. They exchanged another glance that they somehow had a whole conversation in.

“Remus will stay here then,” Sirius declared, and Remus jumped in surprise.

Him? He would have thought they’d say Peter. He guessed that they really didn’t care about him, and wouldn’t miss him if he was gone.

“Yeah, no offence, mate, but you look like you’re about to pass out,” James said.

“I— uh…” Remus tried to come up with an excuse. He suddenly thought that he was being very suspicious, avoiding all eye contact and being much more quiet than usual.

Anyway, being a werewolf wouldn’t work, as the full moon was still two weeks away, and all the boys followed the cycle of the moon even closer than Remus himself did. (Due to simply being able to tell how far away the full moon was at any given moment from the pull in his bones.)

James waved his failed stuttering off.

“We’ll get you to tell us what’s going on later, Remus, but first we have a daring rescue to mount.” He said.

“Right on!” Sirius said, and began leading James and Peter off down the train. “They’re sitting down this end of the train.”

Remus sat back down in their compartment, and waited for his three friends, plus hopefully Sirius’ little brother to come back.

He waited restlessly, unable to stop thinking about all the horrible things that could have happened to his friends because he wasn’t there.

They could have been hexed up and down. They could have been stunned. They could have been cursed. They could be dying. They could be dead! They were probably dead! The Slytherins had used Dark Arts and Sirius, Peter, and James were dead. He shouldn’t just sit there while they were dead or dying, he should go to them, compartment being stolen or not!

Just as he was getting to his feet, he heard noise coming down the train. A very familiar voice was loudly talking.

“Don’t worry, Reg, we’ll protect you from them. Just come to us if they bother you,” Sirius’ voice was saying.

There was a quieter reply from a very similar voice to Sirius’, except higher pitched that Remus couldn’t quite make out.

The door was pushed open, and the small crowd of young boys came spilling in, looking remarkably uninjured and very much alive.

“Look, Remus, a proper rescue! We saved him!” James said, with an easy grin.

“I’m still not quite sure I needed ‘rescuing’,” Regulus said, his young face set in a slight frown. “They were quite nice, and cousin Narcissa was just telling me about what to expect in my first year.”

“Oh, who wants to hear what they have to say!” James said, but Sirius didn’t seem quite so ready to completely denounce his cousin.

“Regardless, we’re much more fun, Reggie! We can tell you all the important things, like all the secret passages and which teachers let you get away with not doing homework,” Sirius said. “Oh, and by the way, this is Remus Lupin, our resident swot.”

Remus rolled his eyes.

“Nice to meet you, Regulus. I’m sure you’ll enjoy Hogwarts. What house are you hoping for?” Remus said, and tried to make an effort at at least looking normal by staring at Regulus’ pointed nose.

“Uh…” Regulus said, with a glance to Sirius and suddenly Remus realised what a charged question that was.

“Well, regardless, Hogwarts is wonderful! What classes sound interesting to you?” Remus said, trying to rectify his mistake.

“Well, I’m really looking forward to History. And flying of course.” Regulus said, looking less unsure of himself as every second passed.

“Do you play Quidditch?” Remus asked.

“Not yet, but Seeker looks fun.” Regulus said shyly.

“He’s a brilliant little flier, our Reggie,” Sirius said, reaching over and ruffling Regulus’ hair.

Regulus shoved his hand away and blushed.

“Don’t call me Reggie, ‘Siri’,” Regulus said fiercely.

“Can’t embarrass me with that if I’m not bothered by it,” Sirius said with a grin.

“Ooh widdle Siri!” James cooed.

“Lil baby Siri,” Remus joined in.

“Siwius Owian Bwack,” Peter said.

At that, Sirius launched himself across the compartment at Peter and put him in a headlock and started messing up his hair.

“Okay, now I’m bothered,” Sirius said after forcing Peter to say sorry.

James sent a conspiratorial look at Remus for pushing Sirius’ buttons, and Remus did his best to grin back without making direct eye contact. He saw James’ grin dim a little and felt guilty for making his friend feel bad.

The rest of the train ride was spent making conversation. Remus could tell that the others were worried about him and his strange not making eye contact ways, but didn’t say anything as Regulus was there.

Over the train ride, Remus got to know Regulus outside of just what Sirius had told them over the past two years, and once Regulus got out of his shell, Remus could see he was bright and had a witty sense sense of humour and sarcasm, and had some quick remarks that had everyone falling over themselves in laughter.

The whole time they spent with him, Sirius had been beaming. He seemed so happy that his best friends were getting along with his little brother.

Eventually, however the fun they were having had to come to an end, when a Ravenclaw prefect came around and told everyone that they were getting close to Hogsmeade station, so they should change into their school robes.

When the prefect left, everyone could see Regulus get closed off again. Remus thought it was probably about the Sorting. Even if, because of Hogwarts tradition, Regulus didn’t know what it entailed, it was still a very charged situation on top of the terror of not knowing. Remus remembered his fear well.

Well, he was more worrying that the test or whatever way they were sorted would reveal to everyone that he was a werewolf and he’d be run out of Hogwarts. Or that he’d wake up and that the opportunity to go to Hogwarts was just a particularly cruel dream he’d had.

As they got into their robes in the compartment, Remus looked over to Sirius to see how he was holding up with the imminent possible threat of losing his brother to Slytherin.

Sirius had a smile still plastered on his face, but Remus could tell he was worried by the tightness around his eyes, and how his smile seemed particularly brittle. Regardless of his own personal feelings though, he had noticed that Regulus wasn’t feeling as good so he had engaged the boy in more conversation. It sounded like he was telling Regulus about History class.

“So, Binns is rubbish, but there are some really good History books in the library. Also, I’m sure Remus wouldn’t mind if you borrowed his notes if you need them.” Sirius said.

Regulus said something back quietly that Remus didn’t quite catch.

“Yeah, but it’s okay, you’re clever. You’ll figure it out.” Sirius said. “Besides, you’ve already read every single History book in the library, you probably know more History than Binns himself, Reg.”

“You really think so?” Regulus said.

“I do. Remember just this week when I complained to you about Gurlag’s Revolution because I couldn’t find anything about the fighting styles used in it, and you told me off the top of your head what the answer was because it was, and I quote, ‘important to know where we’ve been so we don’t make the same mistakes’?” Sirius said, then grinned a little. “Maybe you’ll be a Raven then, you little geek.”

Regulus grinned at his older brother, and opened his mouth to speak but then the train stopped.

The five of them trooped out into the corridor and started moving towards the exit, along with just about every other student of Hogwarts who hadn’t thought to start moving when the train was slowing.

“Well, this is where we leave you,” Sirius said, and pointed over to where Hagrid was standing. “You’re off that way, with Hagrid. He’ll take care of you.”

Regulus was looking at Hagrid with wide eyes.

“He’s huge!” He said, his normal super politeness seemingly broken by the sight of an 11 foot tall person.

“Yeah, but he’s a teddy bear really. Don’t let his size fool you,” Sirius said.

Suddenly, Regulus seemed to remember what was about to happen to him, and he paled, and look to Sirius for what seemed like reassurance.

Sirius immediately picked up on his little brother’s distress and put his hand on his brother’s shoulder.

“Reg, you forgave me when I became a Gryffindor, so if you become a Slytherin, I’ll forgive you too.” He said, and Remus winced at his bluntness, and didn’t think it would reassure Regulus at all, but it seemed like exactly the right thing to say.

Regulus’ features relaxed for a moment, and he leaned in and hugged Sirius tightly.

Sirius wrapped his arms around his little brother, and squeezed his eyes shut.

Remus looked away as Sirius whispered something quietly into Regulus’ ear for only the younger boy to hear.

Regulus nodded into Sirius’ shoulder, and they both pulled out of the hug.

“Go knock ‘em dead, Reg,” Sirius said, and Regulus smiled at him, nodded at them all, then went over to Hagrid.

As he turned, Remus saw him put on an expression of politeness in a way that he recognised from Sirius during first year, doing an expression of what a perfect Pureblood heir should look like. Remus felt sad that their world made 11 year olds feel the need to hide their own emotions.

Though, that was being pretty hypocritical of him, because whenever Remus was feeling paranoid, he felt the need to hide it from everyone.

  
When the four of them got into the carriage that led them up to the school, the three other boys all turned in unison to Remus.

Remus signed internally, and wondered who would be the one to say something first.

“So, Remus, you want to tell us what’s going on?” Sirius said, and Remus found himself… not surprised that it was Sirius speaking up, given they’d just seen how effectively he’d comforted his brother, just… well, he didn’t know what he felt at that.

Remus had been thinking the whole train ride what to tell them, when they asked, but he still was no closer to a good answer.

Should he deny knowledge of what they were talking about? Should he tell them everything on how he thinks he’s literally crazy? Should he just tell them to buzz off? There were so many options, and so little time.

“Uh…” He said. “Um.”

Sirius waited semi-patiently for a moment.

“Is this a…” he lowered his voice drastically, “werewolf thing?”

Should he just use that as an excuse? How would he even explain it off as that?

Remus made a decision, and shook his head.

“Listen…” He said. “I’ll tell you later, alright? Just don’t make a big deal about it for now.”

He hoped they’d listen to him, and not draw any extra attention to his lack of eye contact.

The three boys exchanged looks among themselves, but nodded, and turned to idle other conversation for the rest of the trip up to the castle.

When they got the Great Hall, they sat in their seats, and that years first years were led in, all looking pale and nervous.

The Sorting Hat sang it’s usual newly made song, making a few of the first years, who were presumably muggleborn and not used to strange magical items, jump.

Remus spotted Regulus, standing tall with his head held high and his solemn, shuttered expression. He wasn’t gawking at everything around him like some of the other students, but instead looking calmly ahead.

The Sorting began, and as the little first years were brought up and sorted, Remus could feel Sirius getting tenser and tenser beside him.

“You okay?” He leaned in, and said quietly to Sirius.

Sirius turned and gave him a strange look, but nodded.

“He’s not going to be a Gryffindor, I know that, but is it bad to hold out hope for Ravenclaw?” Sirius said back, just as, if not more quietly.

“No, Sirius, that’s not bad at all.” Remus said softly.

He just hoped that even if Regulus was sorted into Slytherin, that he wouldn’t break off all contact with Sirius, because Remus couldn’t bear seeing his friend in pain, and that would definitely cause Sirius pain.

Finally, ‘Regulus Black’ was called out by Professor McGonogall, and Remus took a moment to wonder what bloody order the names were read out in, because it certainly wasn’t alphabetical.

As Regulus walked up, next to Remus, Sirius took a deep breath in and consciously released the tension in his shoulders.

The hat was placed on Regulus’ head.

Sirius took a breath in and held it.

Time stretched out.

The hat spoke.

“SLYTHERIN!”

Sirius breathed out.


	2. Chapter 2

The feast finally finished, in which Sirius had tried his best to seem upbeat and like his normal self, but his friends could tell that he was upset.

The boys trooped up to their dorm, but the mood was low. Last year after the feast, they’d sat around and ate sweets smuggled from the feast until late until the night, but it didn’t seem like that would be happening again that year.

When they got to their dorm, Remus’ heart was beating loudly in his chest. He could hear his blood rushing in his ears. He went to his trunk, and checked to see if his schizophrenia book was still there, his paranoia telling him that someone could have found it while it was out of his sight. He tried his best to make sure he wasn’t noticed, and while Sirius was too caught up in his own emotions, he was sure that James and Peter realised he was still being strange.

James pushed Sirius down onto his bed, and sat next to him with his pillow cradled in his lap.

“Okay, lads, huddle up, group talk time!” James said, somehow still cheerful, or at least seeming cheerful in the face of both Sirius’ mood and Remus’ general… weirdness of the day.

Remus sighed and went and sat on his own bed, which was closest to the door, and Peter sat down beside him.

“Sirius, we will get to you, but first, Remus, what’s going on?” James said, his cheerful face smoothing into something more serious.

“Should we not deal with Sirius’ thing first? That seems more pressing to me,” Remus said.

“Oi, don’t try to shove this off onto me, you’re deflecting and it’s not gonna work,” Sirius said.

“Well, maybe I don’t want to tell you all,” Remus said, getting a little worked up. He really didn’t want to tell them he was fucking crazy.

“Oh come on, you know you can tell us anything. It can’t be worse than what we already know,” Sirius said, stiffening in his seat at the implication that Remus didn’t trust them enough to tell them.

And Remus agreed that being a werewolf was a bad thing, but he genuinely didn’t know if being crazy was worse. One had the potential to get him executed, and caused him ridiculous amounts of pain every month, but one would get him locked up in the secure ward of St. Mungo’s for the rest of his life if anyone knew, and in the very best case scenario, would cause everyone to treat him very differently.

He guessed being a werewolf was worse, but at least that was something he was used to. Better the devil that you know, than the devil you don’t, so they say.

“Remus?” James said, and Remus realised he’d been silent for a few more moments than was socially accepted after being spoken too.

He shook his head as if to clear the thoughts out of his brain, much like a dog would shake itself after getting wet.

“What?” He said, suddenly lost on where the conversation was. What had they been talking about?

Sirius threw his hands up in the air.

“What. Is. Going. On. With. You?!” Sirius said, standing in agitation. “First you’re avoiding all eye contact like some crazy person, and now you’re… I don’t even know what, refusing to talk to us, then forgetting what’s happening? Please, just talk to us, Rem. Please.”

At the accusation of acting like a crazy person, Remus flinched a little. James and Peter’s eyes sharpened on Remus, but Sirius was so caught up in pleading at Remus to talk that he didn’t notice the movement.

“I…” Remus said, unsure of how to even finish his sentence. “I want to, but. I don’t.”

His thoughts were all jumbled, and it was like he was trying to say something, but the words weren’t coming out. Remus wanted to defend himself, say something, anything, but something was wrong with him.

Remus recognised this was probably disorganised speech or thoughts, which was a symptom of whatever schizophrenia like disorder he had, but knowing that wasn’t at all useful. It just made him more frustrated, in fact. He knew what the problem was, but not how to fix it. It was like being in a locked room, knowing that the door was locked, but having no way to open the door.

He flapped his hands in a sort of frustration. The other boys seemed to take this strangely, as if he was trying to wave them off, when it was just a movement that burst out of him, that he couldn’t stop.

Sirius huffed, and stomped over to his trunk. He pulled out his pyjamas out of his immaculately packed trunk, and turned back to Remus.

“Fine then. Don’t tell us.” Sirius said, and went into the bathroom to change. (Which in the back of Remus’ mind, he noted was strange, as Sirius was one of the least body conscious people that Remus knew. But he brushed that off in the face of what had just happened.)

James followed Sirius’ lead, and started getting ready for bed.

Peter looked beseechingly at Remus, as if begging him to stop whatever was going on. But Remus could only look down at the ground, frustrated, unsure, and scared.

Funnily enough though, with everything that had happened, he no longer believed that eye contact could cause people to be able to read his mind. He guessed his brain had bigger things to focus on.

Remus climbed into bed, miserable, and slept restlessly.

  
The next day, when Remus woke up, Sirius was very clearly not speaking to him. In fact, Sirius was very clearly ignoring him, as were James and Peter. Any time Remus tried to say anything, they would pretend to not hear it, and say something completely unrelated instead. Remus got fed up very quickly, and decided to just go to the library and get some studying in instead of sitting there, being pointedly ignored. It was only Sunday, so he had the whole day to waste.

Remus had grabbed his two new defence books from his trunk, but definitely not brought his hefty schizophrenia book, for fear someone would see it, and know what was going on with him.

So, Remus had ‘A Practical Guide to Self Defence: 101 Ways to Dodge that Curse’ and ‘Occupational Occlumency: A Guide to Organising the Mind’ with him, and settled in an empty corner table in the far reaches of the library.

There were more people than a normal school day, as everyone who had left all their homework to the last moment was trying to make it all up the day before classes started again.

Remus started with the Occlumency book, as that seemed more interesting, and settled in for a long morning and afternoon of studying.

A few hours passed, and it was time for lunch. Remus really didn’t want to see his friends (were they still?), so he decided to just continue to spend his time in the library.

A few more hours passed, and he was making decent headway into his Occlumency book. He had decided to read the whole thing before trying any of the exercises mentioned, to get a good feel for the subject matter before attempting it at all.

The book was fairly densely worded, but was very interesting. Remus even pulled an ancient looking dictionary to his table for a few of the words, but that didn’t tell him much. He wished there was a teacher he could ask questions of about it. But that book claimed Occlumency was a difficult and dying art. Remus had found the book in Flourish and Blott’s easily enough, so he wasn’t sure why. Though perhaps it could be because of how dense and academically it was worded.

When Remus was just about to get sick of the Occlumency book, he switched to ‘A Practical Guide to Self Defence: 101 Ways to Dodge that Curse’.

It was interesting, and had many tips and tricks for self defence. It had a rundown of many shield types, and how to cast them, which Remus was very interested in. Remus had heard of Protego, and a few of it’s varieties, but most of the ones on the list, he’d never heard of. He would be very interested to find an empty classroom and try them out, to see if his magical core would be able to hold them.

He wilted in his seat a little, thinking of how normally Sirius and James would jump on the idea.

A little while later, Remus heard low voices getting closer to him. He looked up to see Lily Evans and Severus Snape rounding a bookshelf and coming into view.

They both caught sight of him at the same time. Lily sent him a smile and a small wave, while Snape sneered at him.

Lily came closer, and Snape reluctantly followed.

“Hope you’re not finishing off last minute homework there, Remus,” Lily said with a smile.

Remus and Lily were actually friends. In first year, they’d sat next to each other in several classes, and they regularly studied together. James’ obsession with her had actually driven the two of them further apart since Remus and James had become closer, which Remus was sad about, but Lily always had a smile for him, which never failed to make him feel better. Her smile was beautiful, and filled him with warmth whenever it was aimed at him. He also admired her greatly for her bravery in staying friends with a Slytherin while being a Gryffindor. No one in either house was particularly happy with their friendship, and both were put down for it.

Though, Remus supposed, if Gryffindor was bad about it, Slytherin was probably worse. So if Lily had it bad, Snape must have it worse. So if Remus was admiring Lily for that, he should admire Snape for it too.

Some part of him recoiled at that. The other boy had hexed him in the back without provocation several times.

“Ah, no, I’m all done with that. Just wanted to get some extra studying in before we go back.” Remus said, suddenly remembering Lily had said something.

“Well, we’ll let you get on with it! Good luck!” She said.

“Thanks, have a good rest of your day,” Remus said with a smile for Lily.

Lily waved and they two of them walked away.

Remus supposed he’d wasted enough time in the library, and it was getting late so he should go back to the dorm now.

When he got back, he went straight to his bed and pulled the curtains around him. He knew that he still wouldn’t tell them what’s going on, so they’d still be cross with him, and he genuinely didn’t know if he can deal with anymore of that at the moment, so he just blocked the world out from around him.

He cast a one way silencing charm on the curtains around him that he learned back in first year for when he woke up with werewolf related nightmares, and flopped back onto his bed.

He put his hands over his face, and whined into them.

Everything was wrong. He thought he could count on the support of his friends, but he messed it all up, so now they probably hate him. The worst part was that he knows how to fix it, but he was just too scared to tell them that he’s crazy. Besides, telling them is much easier said than done. How would he even say it? ‘Hello, just wanted to pop in to say that I’m seeing and hearing things and and literally disconnected from reality,’? Yeah right, like that would go down well.

His sleep was deep, but when Remus awakes, he couldn’t tell if he was still dreaming or not.

  
The next few days went by in a daze. School started, and his friends still weren’t talking to him, and he felt like he was floating through life. Everything just felt… wrong and sort of floaty and disconnected. After a couple of days though, the feeling slowly settled back to normal.

On the first Monday, he got his timetable. There was 3 periods of each subject per week, and 6 periods each day, except on Fridays, when they have last period off.

He was taking Care of Magical Creatures, Arithmancy, and Ancient Runes, and when those classes start up, he was relieved to have something to focus on, rather than having the entire potential of the library to browse.

He spent more time in the library in those few days than the rest of his entire Hogwarts career. (Okay, well that’s an exaggeration, but still, it’s certainly a lot of time.)

On his third day of friend exile, he was sitting in the library, when Lily comes and sits by him. She doesn’t say anything, just gets out some homework and starts doing it. Remus appreciated it immensely, and the crushing loneliness that he’d been feeling abates, just the tiniest bit.

It becomes something of a habit over the next week for Remus and Lily to study in the library together. Eventually, they do talk, and Remus finds out that Lily isn’t talking to Snape because he’d began to hang out with a group of Pureblood supremacists, who actively go around hexing Muggleborns.

Remus told her a little bit about how his friends aren’t talking to him because he had a secret that he’s not telling them and how they got into an argument over it. Lily seems to understand. At the very least, she didn’t ask him why he wasn’t telling them, or even what he wasn’t telling them.

Suddenly, the friendship between the two of them was blooming. They both questioned why they’d let other friendships drive them apart, when they got along so well.

They learned more about each other as well. Lily confessed the troubles she’d been havig having with her sister, and Remus confessed the barest bones of his conflict with his father (just saying that Lyall resents him for something that was out of his control).

He was careful not to reveal anything incriminating about him being a werewolf, or mention anything vaguely related to going crazy.

Of course, he didn’t think Lily would care much that he was a werewolf, because being a Muggleborn, she wouldn’t have any of the prejudices that most of the Wizarding World did. But still, it’s not exactly something he wanted to tell anyone, because the more people know, the higher the chance of it being overheard by the wrong person. After all, werewolves aren’t supposed to be in a school.

“Remus?” Lily said, and he snapped out of his contemplative state.

“Uh, sorry, what was that?” Remus said.

“I said, have you done the potions worksheet yet?” Lily said.

“I’ve brainstormed for it, but I haven’t written it yet. Have you?” He said.

“Same. I looked it up a bit, but I couldn’t think of anything to substitute for the stinksap in Soothing Solution. We need something sticky, but neutral.” She said.

“Hmm… Sticky… Like… honey perhaps?” Remus said, throwing something out there as a suggestion.

“That would react with the mint though,” She said.

“Some sort of gel maybe?”

“What, like glue? I doubt that’s a valid potions ingredient.”

“You’re probably right. Also, isn’t glue highly flammable?”

“… shh, I’m thinking.”

Remus mimed zipping his mouth shut.

“Marshmallow!” Lily said suddenly after a few more moments of silence.

“Perfect! It’ll coat the sides of the throat just as well, but won’t react to any of the other ingredients!” Remus eagerly wrote the answer down on the worksheet. It was all about substitutions, and while Remus was good enough at potions theory, he didn’t have the same natural intuition for it that Lily did. She was top of their year, behind Snape.

The next day after that conversation, Remus heard the sound of laughter from every direction all day. By the end of the day, he’s ready to find a spell that’ll deafen him, in hopes that the fucking laughing will finally shut up! It’s so loud in his ears that he misses half of what anyone says to him, and his notes for all his classes are terrible.

When he went back up to the common room to drop his books back in his the dorm, he saw Lily sitting on one of the seats by the fire, doing what he knows is her daily rewrite of her notes.

He really didn’t want to do what he was about to do, but he figures Lily won’t hold it against him.

“Hey Lily,” Remus said, approaching her.

“Oh, hey Remus!” Lily said, giving him an easy smile. “What’s up?”

“I was wondering if I could borrow some of your notes for the day? I just… couldn’t focus at all today.” Remus could still hear the laughter ringing in his ears. At the moment, it sounds hysterical, having morphed from mocking not long before.

“Of course! I’ve written out my Charms and Runes notes so far, so feel free to copy them,” Lily said, handing a few sheets of paper to him.

Lily has a habit of writing her notes and first drafts of essays on muggle lined paper using pens, as they’re much easier to use. Then, when she does final drafts, she switches to parchment and ink.

“Thank you so much,” Remus said, and sinks into a chair beside her.

He started writing down his own copy of Lily’s notes, and adds comments and questions of his own when they come up. Remus also rewrites his notes, but he supposes this go over will suffice, and he’ll just ask the questions in class or look them up in the evening.

He soon gets into a rhythm and somehow managed to tune out the endless laughter.

At one point he looked up to blink away the slight burning in his eyes from going a while without blinking, and saw James come down the stairs from their dorm and upon seeing Remus and Lily sitting together, he glared at Remus.

Remus is taken aback at the ferocity in the other boy’s eyes. He doesn’t understand what could cause James to glare at him so suddenly, after only ignoring him for the previous few days.

He realised suddenly what James had seen, and perhaps in James’ hormone addled mind, how him and Lily sitting together may have looked. Presumably James was jealous of Remus sitting with his crush. When in reality, Remus had absolutely no interest in Lily beyond as a friend.

Remus didn’t really have any interest in anyone at the moment. He was a little more preoccupied with going crazy, and his friends not talking to him, and being a werewolf to worry about romance and crushes and liking people.

Besides, in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t at all seem very important.

He placed his pen down, and ran his hands over his face and wanted to just scream.

Remus really could not be bothered to deal with James’ jealousy at the moment. He had reached the part of the day where his emotions were just so intense and overwhelming the whole day, that he was suddenly super irritated and pissed off by everything.

He glared right back at James, who seemed startled by Remus’ responding glare.

“James is an idiot,” Remus huffed out, and Lily sent him a questioning look but looked up and saw James and rolled her eyes.

“I so agree,” She said. “What’s he even mad at? Two people being friends? Is he mad he can’t control us? Mad because he’s being a terrible friend?”

Suddenly, all the anger drained out of Remus.

“He’s not a terrible friend, I should just tell them,” He said.

Lily turned to him.

“Remus, you don’t have to tell them what it is, just because they’re pressuring you. In fact, that’s a reason to not tell them. If they can’t handle you not telling them, then that’s a sign that they’re not mature enough to know whatever you don’t want to say.” She said.

Remus thought that over for a moment, and decided to come back to that later when he could focus better. He shrugged, and made a non-commital noise.

James eventually gave up trying to scare Remus off with the force of his glare, and went back up to their dorm room.

Remus decided to push through his brain melting with the laughter, and just finish copying Lily’s notes. He could rest afterwards.

When he finished, he thanked Lily profusely for her notes, and in a surprise move, she hugged him. He wasn’t expecting it, and was stiff for a moment, but he eventually melted into the hug. At home, he was used to his mother being very physically affectionate with him, so he always missed that when he was at Hogwarts. Also, Sirius was generally very affectionate, and hugged his friends a lot, so he was missing that aspect of their friendship as well.

Remus breathed in the scent of Lily subtly. She smelled like vanilla and parchment, and his enhanced nose could smell her scent underneath the artificial scent, and she smelled good. His brain had starting automatically associating her scent with ‘friends’.

He pulled back and panicked a little that he was giving in to the werewolf side of him. While he couldn’t help automatically picking up the scent of people near him, he could definitely control whether or not he breathed it in while hugging them.

“Uh, sorry, thank you, I love you, bye,” Remus blurted out, and picked up all his stuff and ran up to his dorm.

He didn’t notice the left behind Lily smiling softly at his retreating back.

  
Remus’ next few days were much the same, taking him to the weekend, and marking a whole week of his friends not speaking to him. Since he saw Remus with Lily, James had taken to ignoring Remus completely as well, seeing their friendship as a threat to his chances with Lily. Remus was just annoyed that James wasn’t mature enough to even ask if Remus was interested in Lily. Regardless, he certainly was too stubborn to tell James that he most certainly wasn’t.

Speaking of being stubborn, Remus still didn’t want to tell his friends that he was crazy, but the longer the feud went on, the more desperate he got, and was close to breaking point. He didn’t want to irreparably damage their relationship beyond what it could take.

Eventually after a hard day of thinking every Slytherin was trying to hurt him, he was sitting in the library with Lily.

“Hey Lily,” He said.

“Yeah?” She said.

“If… If I told you something, would you keep it a secret?” He said, not because he was going to tell her, he tried to convince himself. Just because he wanted to know.

“Yes, of course, Rem.”

“From everyone?” He said.

“Yes, I promise I’ll keep whatever you tell me a secret. Unless I think you’re in danger of hurting yourself. Then I might tell McGonogall.” Lily said.

“That seems fair.” Remus said, and took a deep breath. Was he really about to do this? “I have to tell you something, and you can’t tell anyone. No matter what. It could be really bad if people found out.”

Lily turned her whole body to him, and looked him in the eyes.

“I swear I won’t tell anyone. And I’ll love you regardless.” She said, her eyes shining with sincerity.

“… I’m going crazy. I’ve been hallucinating. Seeing and hearing things. And also having delusions, which are beliefs that aren’t real. And it’s really scary and it sucks, and I didn’t want to tell James, Sirius, and Peter because I’m afraid they’ll think less of me or be afraid or something. I don’t know.” Remus said, the words basically pouring out of him.

He suddenly felt the acute burden he’d been carrying, lighten, just a bit. It was as if he had suddenly realised he couldn’t breathe properly until he’d cleared his throat. He breathed in the relief, for he first time in about a month, feeling free of his terrible secret.

“Oh. I’m really sorry you’ve had to deal with that, Remus. What can I do to help? Oh, I wonder if the library has any books on this,” Lily said. “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t know that much about that sort of stuff, but I really want to help you any way that I can.”

“O-oh. Um, hang on. I’m just.” Remus said, and felt really overwhelmed. Without his permission, tears sprang to his eyes, and slipped down his cheeks.

“Oh Remus,” Lily said, and scooted over to give him a tight hug. Lily was a very good hugger. It made his feel safe, for the first time in a very long while.

Eventually Remus pulled away, embarrassed of his breakdown. He was suddenly very glad they always chose a corner table in one of the dusty history stacks, far from where anyone else was.

“I uh, have a book. That could probably help? That’s how I realised what was going on,” Remus said, wiping the tear tracks off his cheeks.

“I’d appreciate that, thanks Rem.” Lily said, and Remus smiled at the nickname, despite himself. “I just want to say that I love you so much, and I think you’re incredibly brave and I’m so glad that you felt like you could talk to me. Again, just let me know if I can help at all.”

“Thank you so much, you have no idea what you… what your support means to me,” Remus said, smiling gratefully.

“I’m your friend, of course I’m going to support you.” Lily said. “Now, that’s more than enough boring old studying for the day. I have heard a rumour that you know where the kitchens are?”

“Uh, yes?” Remus said.

“Well, I think hot chocolate would be perfect right now, don’t you?” She said.

“I absolutely agree, Lils.”

When they got to the kitchens, they sat down at one of the tables with their hot chocolates, and Lily asked Remus about what hallucinations and delusions meant for him.

“So I think I have something called Schizoaffective Disorder, which is like Schizophrenia, but has an element of a mood disorder paired with it.” Remus said.

“A mood disorder?” Lily asked.

“Like depression or bipolar.” He said.

“Which one do you have?” She said.

“Uh… depression I think, but sometimes I think I’ve been manic? It’s hard to tell,” Remus said.

“Well, okay, why we write a list or something of symptoms, so we can check them off and if you get 3 or more or whatever it is, then you’re manic. Would that work?” Lily said.

“That sounds good. The book I’ve got also suggests that I track my symptoms so that I can see if there are any patterns.” He said.

“Okay, well we can write up a symptom tracker,” Lily said, pulling out some lined paper out of her book bag, as well as a ruler and a pencil.

She started drawing up a table with Monday to Sunday along the top, and Remus suggested ‘Delusions’ and ‘Hallucinations’ go along the side, but only write ‘D’ and ‘H’ in case someone saw it and wondered what it was.

They decided to only make one week’s worth of it, to see if it could be improved in any way, for the next time.

They’d just started brainstorming ideas for the mania checklist, when they saw some of the elves scamper over to where the door to the kitchen was, and the fruit painting swung open to reveal James, Sirius, and Peter.

Lily sprung to her feet as Remus hurriedly shoved the paper into his bag, not taking the time to do it neatly in his panic even though the boys were half a Great Hall away from them.

“What do you want?” Lily said, her eyes hard.

“We came for food, not you two, Evans. Not every thing’s about you, you know,” Sirius said.

“Well, hurry it up then,” Lily said.

“Why should we? We have just as much right to be here as you,” Sirius said, while James just stared at Lily. When James wasn’t too busy showing off for her, he got tongue tied around her. Especially when she was pissed off. They’d all had to put up with a besotted James harping on about how beautiful Lily was when she was angry (usually at James).

Remus was just happy that a Lily this angry was on his side, and fighting for him, instead of against him. A couple of times, she’d been angry with him for not doing anything to stop James and Sirius fighting with Snape, and of course Peter had just gone along with whatever the other two boys did.

“Because if you linger too long, I’ll hex you,” Lily said, pulling her wand out of her pocket.

James, Peter both reacted with fear by stepping away slightly, but Sirius stood his ground. Lily Evans was famous for her Bat Bogey jinx in all of Gryffindor, and had been known to use it on anyone that annoyed her when she was particularly stressed.

Sirius and James had been the victim of it several times, but Sirius was fuelled by pure spite at Lily for stealing his friend away from him, so he was using his Gryffindor courage to stand strong.

“I’m not afraid of you, Evans,” Sirius said. “Besides, what do you care?”

“You should be, Black, you really should be.” Lily said. “And I care, because you’re being a terrible friend!”

Sirius looked confused, then as her words processed, he looked angry.

“Are you talking about Remus? He’s the one hiding things from us!” He said.

“Then you shouldn’t pressure him to tell you! It’s his choice! And you lot pressuring him to tell you, means he’s going to want to tell you less!” Lily was practically yelling, and many house elves were scurrying around in panic at the raised voices.

“He should just trust us, because we’re his friends!” Sirius yelled.

“Oh, because you’re inspiring so much trust by straight up ignoring him because he won’t tell you something!” Lily said.

“Yeah, well, fuck you, Evans!” Sirius said, and he turned around and strode out of the kitchen, with James and Peter hurrying to fall in behind him.

Evans put her wand away, turned to Remus and grinned.

“What?” Remus said, disturbed at her sudden change in moods.

“He swore at me then ran off because he knew I was right,” She said.

“He’s probably sulking now,” Remus said. “That or planning revenge.”

“I can handle Black,” Lily said. And she could, at that. When they’d dared to target Lily specifically for a prank in their second year, she had struck back with such flair and terrifying display of control, that they had all vowed to never prank her again, and also to never speak of the 24 hours following Lily’s revenge. It had been dark times, indeed.

They went back to their worksheet making and hot chocolate drinking escapades, and using the Gemino charm, they made copies of each of them, one for Remus and one for Lily.

“I love you so much,” Remus said, wrapping one arm around Lily’s shoulders. He was already a fair amount taller than her, so she rested her head on his shoulder.

“I love you so much too,” Lily said. “Also, it’s very refreshing that even as a gross teenage boy, that you are able to say ‘I love you’ without being forced to.”

“I’m confident in my masculinity,” Remus said with a grin. “Also, when your brain is telling you that you could die at any moment, it seems important to tell the people you love that you do in fact love them.”

“I hope you don’t die at any moment, because I’d miss you a lot,” Lily said, and something inside Remus ached, as it did any time she said something kind. He thought it was his subconscious disagreeing with the nice words, telling him that he wasn’t good, he was a Dark Creature, and should be treated as such.

“If I were dead, I’d miss you too,” Remus said. “Also, I’d haunt you until you got sick of me.”

“Would you help me cheat on tests if you were a ghost?” Lily asked. “I’d pay you in ghost money.”

“It is not at all ethical to cheat at things,” Remus said snootily, “But yes, of course I would.”

Lily laughed, her laughter ringing in his ears, reminding him of the other day when he had hallucinated laughter for the whole day.

“Okay, we should get back to the tower, it’s almost curfew,” Remus said.

They headed back to the tower, idly chatting after such an emotional few hours.

When they were about to go their separate ways into their dorms, Lily stopped Remus and hugged him again tightly.

“I love you a lot, and thank you so much for trusting me. I promise I’ll help however I can,” She said.

Remus hugged her back just as tightly, and simply whispered ‘thank you,’ in her ear.

  
When Remus got back up to his dorm after delivering Lily the book on schizophrenia, Sirius was nowhere to be seen, but James and Peter were both sitting on James’ bed, doing what seemed to be their Charms homework, as Peter was asking James a question about mind-affecting charms, which was what they were learning in that class.

When Remus walked in, James and Peter looked up, then awkwardly away.

It hurt that they were still not talking to him, but at least they were no longer straight up glaring. Well, Peter had never glared, he’d just been awkward, but James was no longer glaring at least.

Remus went into the dorm’s bathroom and took a look at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and swollen, and he had deep bags under his eyes. When he looked closely, he noticed he also looked a little more gaunt, probably due to missing several meals so he wouldn’t have to face his friend’s ire.

He sat on his bed, and closes his curtains, and decides to do his Transfiguration essay, that was due the next week. (His Charms homework had already been done, back when they first got it, unlike James’ and Peter’s, and probably Sirius’.

After a while, he heard the door to their dorm open. Remus thought that that must be Sirius coming back from wherever he’d run off to.

He heard awkward footsteps come right up to next to his bed, and Sirius’ voice quietly came from outside his curtains.

“Remus?” He said.

Remus’ heart leaped at the sound of his name in Sirius’ mouth.

“Yeah?” Remus said.

“Can I talk to you?” Sirius said.

Remus pulled open one of his curtains and motioned for Sirius to come in. When Sirius awkwardly climbed in in his familiar yet partially forgotten spot, Remus closed the curtain behind him and cast the one way silencing charm on the curtains so that Peter and James couldn’t listen in.

“I’m… sorry.” Sirius said.

Remus felt hope rise inside him, but he kept his face blank and raised an eyebrow.

“I’ve been acting like a prat throwing a tantrum when he doesn’t get his way,” Sirius said.

“Yes, you have.” Remus said.

“So, I’m sorry, and I’ll y’know, stop that.” Sirius said.

Remus considered.

“So you’re okay with me not telling you things?” He said.

“I’ll be honest, it doesn’t make me happy that you’re still hiding things, but I’ll deal with it like a big boy,” Sirius said.

“I’ll only accept your apology if you promise to never stop talking to me ever again, because it sucked, and you were all being stupid.” Remus said. “So, promise me that, and I’ll forgive you.”

“I do solemnly swear that I will never stop talking to you again, and also that I’ll stop being stupid,” Sirius said.

“Well, don’t make a promise that you can’t keep,” Remus said with a grin, and suddenly all was mostly well in the world. Nothing could break this moment. Remus had his best friend back, his two others on the way, and he wasn’t alone anymore.

“Oi!” Sirius said. “Now please, please please please please pleeease help me deal with James. He think you’re flirting with Evans and he’s been unbearable. If I have to deal with his moody ass any further I will literally kill myself.”

“Let’s not go that far,” Remus said, very carefully not thinking of his own recently deepening suicidal thoughts. “I’ll just tell him he’s being an idiot, and Lily’s just a friend who’s been helping me because you utter prats have been ignoring me.”

“Perfect, let’s go tell him right now. Before I resort to killing myself, preferably.” Sirius said, grabbing Remus hand and dragging him over to James and Peter.

Remus let himself be dragged, and when they reached James and Peter he saw they’d barely made any progress on their Charms homework, as they’d pulled out a deck of Exploding Snap cards and where engaged in that.

When Remus and Sirius came over, Peter looked up, but James didn’t notice them approach, so Peter got startled when James slapped his hand down on the cards, causing them to explode.

“I win!” James said, then when there was no response, he looked up and startled at seeing Sirius and Remus suddenly standing in front of them.

“Lads,” He said. “All made up?”

“Yup, now it’s time for you two to apologise,” Sirius said, and James sighed.

“We’ve been right crap friends, Remus. We really shouldn’t have ignored you. So, sorry,” James said.

“You have to promise to not stop talking to me again,” Remus said, not telling James he’d already forgiven them a while ago.

“I promise,” James said.

“No, you’ve gotta solemnly swear,” Sirius insisted.

“What? Why?” James said, confused.

“You just gotta,” Sirius said. “It’s the secret code.”

“Okay fine, I solemnly swear,” James said.

“Alright, I accept your apology and forgive you,” Remus said.

Everyone turned expectantly to Peter.

“Sorry Remus. I’d hate if everyone did the same to me, we should’ve thought about it. It was really mean of us,” He said. “Also, I solemnly swear not to do it again.”

“Forgiven,” Remus said. “Oh and James, Lily’s just my friend. My good, good friend, who didn’t ignore me for the last week, and helped me deal with my best friends all being prats.”

James instantly brightened.

“So you’re not hopelessly in love with her?” He asked.

“Nope, last time I checked that job was already taken by you,” Remus said.

“You bet it is,” James said.

“Does no one else think it’s creepy that James barely knows Evans, yet claims to be in love with her?” Sirius wondered out loud.

“You take that back! It’s not creepy, it’s true love. And true love isn’t hindered by not knowing each other all that well,” James said.

Peter, Sirius, and Remus all looked at each other.

“Creepy,” They all said at the same time, as James spluttered.

“Oh and by the way, I’m still not telling you,” Remus said in the following silence and his friends all glanced between themselves, having a conversation without words. It seemed like they all reached a conclusion because they all turned to him before James spoke.

“That’s okay. We can be patient. Just, know that if you do want to tell us ever, then we’re here for you.”

“Yeah, and we want to help if we can,” Peter said.

“Okay, thanks, guys.” Remus said. “Now, have you really left your charms work till today? It’s due tomorrow!”

“We were busy!” James protested in their defence.

“Doing what?” Remus said, and they all looked away guiltily.

“Looking for secret passages,” James said.

“Oh.” Remus said. They’d had the idea last year to make a map of the school, and had been slowly exploring the castle since then, searching for hidden passages which they all insisted were there. “Well, shove over then. Let me read what you’ve done. I will not be writing them for you though!”

“Oh hey, can you explain the bit about negative versus positive effects? Flitwick and the text book weren’t very clear,” James said, moving over to give Remus room on the bed.

While Remus was helping James and Peter with their charms homework, he looked up at one point and saw Sirius gazing intently at him.

Remus’ heart sank. He knew that look well. It was the look Sirius got when he was trying to solve a puzzle. And it looked like his newest challenge was Remus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment if you feel like it! Thanks for reading :)

**Author's Note:**

> I have schizoaffective disorder so everything in here is taken from my experiences, or other psychotic people I've talked to! Let me know if you spot anything wrong. 
> 
> Parts of this have been really hard to write, but others really cathartic. 
> 
> Kudos and comments especially motivate me, so I'd love if you could drop a comment on what you enjoyed, what you'd like to see, or simply to say hi!


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